Crucial Conversations About Healthy Romantic Relationships

Laying the Foundation
Conversation Starters
Dos and Don'ts
Additional Resources

Introduction

Crucial Conversations About Healthy Romantic Relationships focuses on three critical domains^aof healthy romantic relationships¹: communication, such as sharing thoughts/feelings; boundaries/limits, including setting, enforcing, and respecting boundaries and limits; and shared power, such as negotiating roles and responsibilities.

This toolkit is for you: professionals who support teens and youth who experience the child welfare and/or justice systems, homelessness, and/or disconnection from school and work. The Toolkit has four sections that can be used together or as standalone tools to help you with the following:

Lay the foundation for talking to young people about healthy romantic relationships—Includes helpful tips and groundwork that may be needed while talking with teens about healthy romantic relationships.
Start conversations with youth about healthy romantic relationships—Includes strategies for starting the conversation, continuing the conversation, and checking in after the conversation.
Know the dos and don’ts for talking with teens and youth about healthy romantic relationships—Includes a list of things to consider doing, or to avoid, while talking with youth about healthy romantic relationships.
Identify additional resources to help you support youth to have healthy romantic relationships.

This tool is based on a research summary from Activate which describes healthy romantic relationships and youth well-being. Healthy romantic relationships are developmentally appropriate during adolescence and young adulthood.^2,3 Young people who engage in healthy relationships may experience better outcomes such as decreased mental health concerns, higher overall life satisfaction, and higher self-esteem.⁴ However, young people who experience the child welfare and/or justice systems, homelessness, and/or disconnection from school and work may be at an increased risk for unhealthy romantic relationships, such as abusive relationships and those that involve sexual exploitation.^5-7 This increased risk may be due to:

Limited experience observing and experiencing healthy relationships^8-10
General instability in housing and school, which may create instability in relationships¹¹
Experiences with trauma associated with instability, systems-involvement, homelessness, and/or disconnection from school^12-14

You can use this toolkit to help youth understand the components of healthy romantic relationships, navigate conversations with partner(s), and identify where to turn for support if they are in an unhealthy romantic relationship.¹⁵ Although the toolkit focuses on romantic relationships, much of its guidance applies across types of relationships (e.g., relationships with friends, peers, adults, parents).

Laying the Foundation to Talk to Young People About Healthy Relationships

When talking with youth about healthy romantic relationships, consider how well you are prepared for the conversation.¹⁶ This tool outlines six conditions that may help you talk to young people about healthy relationships, why those conditions are important, and how you can cultivate these conditions for the youth you support.

You can establish the foundation for talking to young people about healthy relationships when you:

Develop rapport and trust with the young person.
Create a welcoming and private space.
Prepare for, engage in, and follow up with youth intentionally.
Remain self-aware and willing to reflect on your own assumptions.
Maintain your knowledge of state-mandated reporting policies.
Pay attention to cultural norms.

Click here for guidance on why each condition is important and how to create the condition.

For more information on laying the foundation for talking about healthy relationships with youth, see section four of this toolkit: Additional Resources for Talking With Youth About Healthy Romantic Relationships.^17-36

Conversation Starters for Talking With Youth About Healthy Romantic Relationships

Communication, boundaries/limits, and shared power are key components of healthy romantic relationships that are critical for young people who experience the child welfare and/or juvenile justice systems, homelessness, and/or disconnection from school and work—according to the young people and youth-supporting professionals who advised this work.

You can use these conversation starters to initiate discussions with young people. For each component—communication, boundaries/limits, and shared power—you will find a definition and suggested conversation prompts to help you start the conversation, continue the discussion, and follow up after the conversation. These prompts are not exhaustive.^b

Communication

Communication is how partners in a relationship express their thoughts and feelings, both verbally and nonverbally.^37,38 Healthy communication includes active listening, honesty, emotional regulation, and self-awareness.^39,40 Preferences and styles may vary from youth to youth depending on culture and experiences.^41-43

Experience in the child welfare and/or juvenile justice systems, homelessness, and/or disconnection from school and work may limit young people’s opportunities to learn communication skills and practice these in safe relationships with parents, siblings, and friends due to frequent moves or unstable placements. Through these conversation starters, you can help young people reflect on their communication styles and strengthen their verbal and nonverbal communication skills.

Communication
Active listening
Getting started	What does active listening look like to you? In other words, how does someone show that they are really listening to you?
Continuing discussions	How would you approach a discussion with your partner(s) if you wanted them to listen to you more actively? Have you and your partner(s) discussed words or actions that signal you are actively listening to one another?
Following up	How have you and your partner(s) used active listening since we last spoke?
Honesty about wants and needs
Getting started	In what ways are you honest with your partner(s) about your wants and needs?
Continuing discussions	What wants and needs are easier or more difficult to be honest about? What barriers are there to being honest? How might you let your partner(s) know they can be honest with you? How can you prepare yourself and respond when you have an honest conversation about wants and needs that involves difficult topics?
Following up	How are you feeling about the amount of honesty about your wants and needs within your relationship(s) since we last talked?
Nonverbal communication
Getting started	What kinds of nonverbal cues do you use when you communicate with your partner(s) (e.g., eye contact, hand movement, direction you face)?
Continuing discussions	What nonverbal communication cues do you use that help you have good conversations with your partners(s)? What nonverbal communication cues do you use that may challenge your conversations with your partner(s)? What nonverbal communication cues do you notice your partner(s) using when they communicate with you?
Following up	How have you changed how you communicate using nonverbal cues with your partner(s) since we last spoke?

Boundaries/limits

Boundaries/limits are an individual’s expectations and limits of what behaviors are acceptable or not acceptable within their relationships.⁴⁴ Individuals generally have physical, material, mental or intellectual, and emotional boundaries/limits.⁴⁵ Understanding and recognizing boundaries/limits is essential for establishing and maintaining a healthy romantic relationship. Healthy boundaries/limits allow youth to feel comfortable with expectations in their relationships.⁴⁶

Time spent in the child welfare and/or juvenile justice systems, homelessness, and/or disconnection from school and work can leave young people with little control over how they are treated in those relationships and their lack of autonomy within those relationships.⁴⁷ Therefore, youth may have less practice establishing boundaries/limits in relationships and need additional help figuring out their boundaries/limits and communicating those to other people.

Boundaries and Limits
Establishing boundaries/limits
Getting started	When you and/or your partner(s) set a boundary or limit, how do you show you respect that limit?
Continuing discussions	How would you approach a discussion with your partner(s) if you wanted them to listen to you more actively? Have you and your partner(s) discussed words or actions that signal you are actively listening to one another?
Following up	How have you and your partner(s) used active listening since we last spoke?
Physical boundaries
Getting started	How do you know your partner(s) respect your physical boundaries?
Continuing discussions	How do your partner(s) check in on your comfort with your physical boundaries? How do your partner(s) react when you say no or share you are uncomfortable? What are some ways you can talk with them about how you would like them to change? How do you react and change when your partner tells you no or shares they are uncomfortable?
Following up	In what ways have you and your partner(s) further discussed what is off limits or uncomfortable for each of you?
Personal belongings
Getting started	How do your partner(s) show they know and follow your boundaries for using your personal belongings and/or those related to personal information, such as asking for your password for social media or monitoring your social media?
Continuing discussions	How did you and your partner(s) determine your boundaries around personal belongings and personal information? How can you discuss boundaries around using your personal items and information with your partners? In what ways can you discuss your partner(s)’ boundaries around the ways you use their personal items and information? How might discussing your boundaries change your relationship with your partner(s)?
Following up	How have you and your partner(s) demonstrated understanding and respect for your boundaries in sharing personal belonging and information since we last spoke?

Shared power

Shared power means that partners in a relationship support and respect one another and have balanced, mutually agreed-upon roles and responsibilities.^48-50 People in relationships with shared power tend to be more satisfied in their relationship and may experience better mental health.⁵¹

Talking about and understanding shared power in romantic relationships is complex. For example, shared power is influenced by behaviors and biases related to numerous factors such as gender identity, sexual orientation, race, and disability status.⁵² Youth experiencing the child welfare and/or juvenile justice systems, homelessness, and/or disconnection from school and work may have limited examples of shared power in relationships due to a lack of stability in their homes and living arrangements and few opportunities to openly discuss power-sharing.

Shared Power
Input in decision making
Getting started	What are some examples of the input you have or want to have when making decisions?
Continuing discussions	When you are having a conversation or making a decision with your partner(s), what kind of input do you want to have? How comfortable are you talking with your partner(s) about the kind of input you have (e.g., spending time together and apart, day-to-day decisions, or decisions about sex and contraception)? Do you think your partner(s) have the input in decision making they want? Why?
Following up	How has the input in decision-making with your partner(s) been since we last spoke?
Influence of societal pressure and/or bias
Getting started	How do societal pressures or biases such as those related to gender identity, sexual orientation, race, religion, or ability affect how you share power in your relationships?
Continuing discussions	How do your partner(s) check in on your comfort with your physical boundaries? How comfortable are you talking to your partner(s) about how gender identity, sexual orientation, race, or ability affect power sharing in your relationships?
Following up	How have you and your partner(s) talked about how biases or societal pressures affect how you share power in your relationships since we last talked?
Agreement about power sharing
Getting started	In your relationship(s), how do you discuss and come to a mutual agreement about roles and power when making decisions?
Continuing discussions	In what ways do you have mutual agreement, such as how you spend time together, who you spend time with, or decisions about sex and contraception? In what areas do you and your partner(s) lack agreement or have an imbalance? How comfortable are you describing your concerns and negotiating a change if roles and power become unbalanced? How would you start a conversation about an imbalance of power with your partner(s)?
Following up	How have you and your partner(s) experienced and discussed roles and power dynamics in your romantic relationship(s) since we last spoke?

Dos and Don’ts for Talking With Youth About Healthy Romantic Relationships

You can use these dos and don’ts to guide your conversations with young people about healthy romantic relationships. Approach each conversation with empathy, willingness to listen and learn, and commitment to improve.^c

For more information on dos and don’ts for talking with youth about healthy relationships, see section four of this toolkit: Additional Resources for Talking With Youth About Healthy Romantic Relationships

The following list of recommendations is not exhaustive but provides a starting point for talking with young people about healthy romantic relationships:

Create an open and judgement-free zone.
Help young people explore their experiences rather than labeling them.
Validate young peoples’ feeling and experiences.
Approach conversations with an open mind.
Use a trauma-informed lens.
Respect youth’s privacy and be transparent about limits to transparency.

The table below provides examples of how to work toward each condition. Download the table here.

DOS		DON'TS
	DO ask nonjudgemental, open-ended questions. “Can you walk me through the interaction and how it made you feel?”		DON'T use language that can be interpreted by the young person as implying blame or shame. “It might not have been productive to react like that. You probably should have reacted a different way.”
	DO ask nonjudgemental, open-ended questions. “Can you walk me through the interaction and how it made you feel?”		DON'T rely on black and white labels. “Your partner was being abusive toward you.”
	DO ask nonjudgemental, open-ended questions. “Can you walk me through the interaction and how it made you feel?”		DON'T trivialize experiences, fears, needs, or wants. "It’s unrealistic to set a boundary to prevent disagreement or arguments from ever happening.”
	DO ask nonjudgemental, open-ended questions. “Can you walk me through the interaction and how it made you feel?”		DON'T make assumptions or generalizations about what a young person does or does not know. “Young people are too naïve and inexperienced to recognize when they’re in an unhealthy relationship.”
	DO ask nonjudgemental, open-ended questions. “Can you walk me through the interaction and how it made you feel?”		DON'T ignore complexities of a situation. “You should have left the relationship as soon as the problems started.”
	DO ask nonjudgemental, open-ended questions. “Can you walk me through the interaction and how it made you feel?”		DON'T assume young people know what must be disclosed or that everything is confidential. “Don’t worry, everything you tell me will stay between us.”

Additional Resources for Talking With Youth About Healthy Romantic Relationships

You can use the resources below to access additional information about components of healthy relationships, building communication skills, boundaries/limits, and shared power.

Resource name and link	Resource description	Use this resource to …
National Healthy Marriage Resource Center, The Annie E. Casey Foundation, and Innovation Center for Community and Youth Engagement (2019). Relationships matter: Strengthening vulnerable youth	This report reviews the importance of healthy relationships among youth and how to discuss them with youth.	Gain knowledge and comfort about healthy romantic relationships.
John Hopkins University (2020). 12 elements of healthy relationships	This blog explores elements of healthy relationships and provides links to resources for additional information.	Gain additional examples of how to talk with youth about healthy relationships.
Youth.gov (n.d.). Characteristics of healthy and unhealthy relationships	This webpage describes characteristics of healthy relationships for teens and unhealthy relationship characteristics.	Gain knowledge of healthy relationships and signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships.
Forbes Health (2024). How to communicate in a relationship, according to experts	This report reviews the importance of healthy relationships among youth and how to discuss them with youth.	Gain knowledge and comfort about healthy romantic relationships.
Positive Psychology (2024). How to Set Healthy Boundaries and Build Positive Relationships	This blog explores elements of healthy relationships and provides links to resources for additional information.	Gain additional examples of how to talk with youth about healthy relationships.
Therapist Aid (2016). What are personal boundaries?	This report reviews the importance of healthy relationships among youth and how to discuss them with youth.	Gain knowledge and comfort about healthy romantic relationships.
Mass.Gov (n.d.).Boundaries in healthy relationships	This blog explores elements of healthy relationships and provides links to resources for additional information.	Gain additional examples of how to talk with youth about healthy relationships.
OurPath (2021). Healthy boundaries for partners of trans people	This webpage describes characteristics of healthy relationships for teens and unhealthy relationship characteristics.	Gain knowledge of healthy relationships and signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships.
Eastland County Crisis Center (n.d.). Relationship Equality Wheel for Teens	This report reviews the importance of healthy relationships among youth and how to discuss them with youth.	Gain knowledge and comfort about healthy romantic relationships.
Love is Respect (n.d.). Power and Control	This blog explores elements of healthy relationships and provides links to resources for additional information.	Gain additional examples of how to talk with youth about healthy relationships.
Love in Respect (n.d.). 4 things that make a relationship healthy or unhealthy	This webpage describes characteristics of healthy relationships for teens and unhealthy relationship characteristics.	Gain knowledge of healthy relationships and signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships.

Suggested citation: Rosenberg, R., Naylon, K., Simone-Woods, N., Rust, K., Beckwith, S. (2024). Crucial Conversations about Healthy Romantic Relationships: A Toolkit for Youth Supporting Professionals. Child Trends.

Footnotes

[a] The domains were identified by a group of young people with lived expertise, program administrators and direct service providers who support them, and other experts on sexual and reproductive health working with systems-involved youth, youth experiencing homelessness, and disconnected youth.

[b] All prompts in this section of the toolkit and the associated PDF are informed by the research literature on healthy romantic relationships.

[c] Factors such as cultural norms play an important role in conversations about healthy romantic relationships. For more information about cultural considerations to keep in mind when talking about healthy relationships with youth, see “Laying the Foundation.”

References

The full list of references are included in the PDF of this report: https://activatecenter.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/AR3-28_Crucial-Conversations_Healthy-Romantic-Relationships_Full-Toolkit.pdf
Acknowledgements

The authors would like to thank the many contributors to this resource. Experts who informed the resource include Eddie Sumlin, BA, Christopher Drescher, PhD, and Mason Persons. Thank you also to the several youth-supporting professionals, young people, and other experts who contributed but are not named here. We also thank Activate project team members who assisted in the development of this resource, including Jan DeCoursey, project director, Mindy Scott, principal investigator, Gabriella Guerra, designer, Julie Blechman, designer, Matthew Rivas-Koehl, fact check, and Ana Maria Pavic, web design. We are grateful for the contributions of other Child Trends and Chapin Hall staff who contributed to this resource including Jenita Parekh, senior research scientist. Finally, a special thank you to the Child Trends communications staff, especially Olga Morales, Catherine Nichols, Brent Franklin, and Stephen Russ.

Crucial Conversations About Healthy Romantic Relationships

Introduction

Download

Laying the Foundation to Talk to Young People About Healthy Relationships

Conversation Starters for Talking With Youth About Healthy Romantic Relationships

Communication

Use these conversation starters to talk with youth about communication in their romantic relationships.

Boundaries/limits

Use these conversation starters to talk with young people about boundaries/limits in their romantic relationships.

Shared power

Use these conversation starters to talk with young people about shared power in their romantic relationships.

Dos and Don’ts for Talking With Youth About Healthy Romantic Relationships

Additional Resources for Talking With Youth About Healthy Romantic Relationships

References

Acknowledgements

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Crucial Conversations About Healthy Romantic Relationships

Introduction

Download

Laying the Foundation to Talk to Young People About Healthy Relationships

Conversation Starters for Talking With Youth About Healthy Romantic Relationships

Use these conversation starters to talk with youth about communication in their romantic relationships.

Use these conversation starters to talk with young people about boundaries/limits in their romantic relationships.

Use these conversation starters to talk with young people about shared power in their romantic relationships.

Dos and Don’ts for Talking With Youth About Healthy Romantic Relationships

Additional Resources for Talking With Youth About Healthy Romantic Relationships

References

Acknowledgements